Relationships to the next conscious level
February 14, 2020
#Relationships growth
LOVE is a decision you make everyday! Love is an action verb of emotions from the decision we make every day to express how we truly feel to be loved and to love. True #Love is a sacred act demonstrated by our actions.
When we want to grow and build our relationships, what are some of the tools that one requires to cultivate in order to build and grow the relationship, especially within the marriage relationship?
Many of us may fall short to commit or lack in commitment on how to cultivate a character of value in building tools to build or perhaps save a marriage relationship. We fail to understand is just one component of the problem. We also fail to commit is another component. We lack trust and therefore we don’t just give trust unless it is earned first, so therefore, we choose not to commit, and we feel we don’t need to understand our partner’s need. Then lack of communication sets in. Next thing we know, we set the house of relationship on fire and conflict sets in and partners separate and worse divorce. Reality of separation sets in and in dealing with the consequences of the choices made by two partners.
Here’s some hard truth about relationship that people who are in a romance level relationship might not understand. Although romanctic relationship is still a beautiful thing, but did you know it can also go further to the next level? …on which I’d like to add here about how to build a foundational truth and love in a marriage relationship.
Before we discuss on how to cultivate tools in building foundation in a marriage relationship, I’d like to share below a picture of my husband and I. I inserted the Love quote and it’s written by an unknown author. If you happen to know who wrote it, please let me know so I could give him/her the credit for it. Anyway, the Love quote rings true to me, especially when both partners goes through such challenging moments in life. Challenges will always test our character building and how we treat the person next to us and how we show love on ourselves too (as part of self-care), especially the person we chose to love on day one. The right powerful question to ask ourselves would be, ” Where is our level of understanding, commitment, trust and love when it comes to going through tough times together, as a couple, with the person we love, and vice versa?”
“Every relationship will get “boring” after you’ve been together for years if you let it. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a commitment; to love every day, physically and emotionally. It’s difficult, it’s not always laughs, smiles and fun. People tend to quit when it stops being fun, and they go look for someone else. “the spark is gone.” No, that’s not how it works. You want somebody to never give up on you, and love you unconditionally? Do the same. Be the change. This isn’t Hollywood, this isn’t the movies. That shit isn’t real. Love someone when you don’t want to. When they are being a fucking asshole. When they’re being hard to love. That’s the realest shit there is.”
Romance in love is good and nothing wrong with that. But we need to take it to another notch, take it to the next level of understanding with respect and trust in mind that there is a sense of maturness in demonstrating immeasurable love. This is where the truth vantage point from deep within in a relationship when both partners are committed, and there’s level of trust, and understanding to build the next level, and in cultivating the kind of person they want to be in building a healthier relationship.
Here are the tools to cultivate in building a healthier relationship either in marriage or dating:
- Tools of Understanding: If you have not use your filter of understanding and its wits it brings to the table of marriage, you got a lot of work to do to start building a better healthier marriage. Because let me be frank with your without sugar coating here, my dear reader, this component is a powerful tool. It’s not just romantic, it’s more than just romantic. This is the key to unlock the door to the rest of your building relationship from one season to the next season with the person you choose to love on day one. When a person applies the wisdom of understanding to build trust and commitment in a relationship, he/she not only turns on the light to start a spark in their significant other, but he/she also challenge each other’s growth to grow to the next level. Once the essence of understanding is applied, the flow of ease and grace sets in. Then you give your loved one permission to understand you of where you are coming from. This is also a gateway to give space to build of getting to know one another and a quality of bonding time, as the relationship lovingly evolves.
- Trust: As the saying goes, “Trust is earned and so is respect”. This is true and still applies in any relationship either in personal and professional life. When it comes to personal life like in marriage relationship, trust is build when both partners step in together to build the trust they intended in the first place despite what life throws their way. Trust is only broken when there’s lack of understanding, communications, and commitment. Trust can be earned when there’s better communication on both sides. Trust can be earned when there’s better understanding on both sides. Trust can be earned when there’s better commitment on both sides. It takes two to tango and not just one. For instance, it takes a team to build a successful business, and so is to build a unique strong family in a marriage relationship. It becomes a family unit. Once you apply understanding on what a family unit is about, especially when the storm of loss, death, grief, or terminal ailments, or extreme adversity, or debt/bankruptcy hits home, our level of trust will be put to a test in how we use all our tools to build a person of value in each one of us. The challenging moments in life are there to test our own tools and our ability to handle those tools when the storm hits. The powerful question to ask in building a healthier relationship would be, especially when you feel you are in doubt in a challenging moment, “Can I trust myself to have the ability to understand and handle the situation I am in?” The next question would be, “Can I trust my partner to have the ability to understand and handle the situation we are both in?” The third powerful question to ask ourselves with our partner too would be, “Can we trust each other with our differences and compatibility to work together with understanding and handle the situation we are both in?” The ultimate powerful question to ask next is, “How can we use our differences as leverage to grow our relationship in a mature conscious level?” When you start asking powerful questions without getting offended, or judgmental, or micro managing, or without being afraid to express your emotions, but apply understanding instead, then your relationship will surely have a bright healthier relationship. And especially if you keep cultivating this tools in a creative fun ways consistently and not just a one time thing. Remember, romance is for newbies, but if you want to mature the relationship to the next level, let’s go to the next step #3 and #4 below.
- Consciousness, Consistency, Commitment: The 3 C’s that spice up the marriage. This is about maintaining the balance on how to create the right amount of love fire in a relationship. You see, Love is more than just a chemistry of romantic gesture. Love is about understanding how to perceive, understand, and implement the intention behind the veil of the Love thermometer that we see on the surface only. It’s the energy behind the chemistry is at play here. It means when someone demonstrate their gesture of love, there’s always a big reason why that partner initiate the love he/she has for you. Once you understand the thoughtfulness and energy coming from that demonstration of love, especially for better and worse situation and it is genuine, then you know in your own gut and heart that person meant it. It will show in their commitment and consistency. Especially it will show in how they communicate consciously, either non verbally or verbally. When the Consciousness in a relationship is implemented, it means that your level of self awareness on how you handle to respond to your partner and in how you handle yourself i.e. your emotions in a loving and understanding way. When the love Consistency is implemented in a relationship, this can also be taken in a fun creative way to maintain the love fire between two partners. For instance, if you are too shy to apply the creativity of love to your partner, why not challenge yourself to initiate it this time and by that you also get to know the type of love language you and your partner has, in which I will talk about in step #4 below. Loving consistently in a fun adventurous way in love and with respect, you expand your growth relationship more than just about you, then it becomes a “We”. Lastly, is Commitment in a relationship. Commitment on both sides and not just one who always do the initiating. Commit in how you both need to work on your differences and use it as a leverage for growth, and work on your compatibility and use it as a leverage for expansions.
- Love Language skills: Communication is vital for growth in any relationship. Communication can vary in how your body language project the love language. Two ways to communicate: non-verbal communication, and verbal communication (tone of the voice, vocally). There’s also a written way to communicate, not to mention that art is a form of communication too, i.e. drawing or painting to express how you feel or what you want to experience, especially if you can’t seem to verbalize how you want to say or express it. But there’s one more way to communicate, it is called silence. Having no response is a response as well, and it is part of communicating. Silence is way to communicate that a person need time and space to process things, or either that, simply he/she is just not interested at all. Communication goes both ways in order for a relationship to have clarity and understanding and build trust. Trust is the big one here. Without the level to communicate in mature manner, the trust isn’t there at all. The relationship will for sure be in chaos and conflict sets in. And the list of negativity could go on and on. Learning the language of love is the most important investment in any relationship either you are in a dating level of relationship or in a marriage relationship. Learning how to understanding each other’s love language with patience is the most wonderful gift to give yourself and your significant other. There’s a book I’d like to recommend for you to read and the title is the ” 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It express and experience love between partners. Gary Chapman mentioned in his book that there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. This will help you get to know what is your dominant and second dominant love languages, and you also get to know your partner’s primary and secondary love languages. Chapman’s book has helped me build a healthier relationship in my marriage of 18 years and counting.
It’s Valentines day! The pressure is on to those who are keeping up with the tradition, but don’t forget to be gentle with yourself. Being present is the most important thing in love. And that means apply the tools listed above, for love is a decision you make every single day. That’s how to be present in a consistent daily basis and add fun and creativity in your love building! It is how you handle the love situation that counts the most and not just what you put on the table of love relationship.
To my husband of 18 years and counting, conscious coupling in building a healthier relationship is an adventure journey indeed! For better and worse and to building heaven on earth relationship. I still choose you to be my everyday Valentine and my journey life partner.
And happy Valentines to all!!! Celebrate with your significant other in love. Be gentle with yourselves emotionally, spiritually, mentally, energetically, and financially.
~Grace Kostamo
Certified LOA Lifestyle MindHeartSoulset Coach, Owner of Grace-Through, Author, Grief Advocate, Mentor, Mother of 4
Very well written Grace. Thank you for sharing your insight on how to have a healthy relationship. You are so right-Love is a decision not a feeling. Happy Valentine’s Day to you also! xo