How to deal with the Anniversary of a Loved One’s Death

It’s through the birth of pain is where our story begins.

~grace kostamo

March 11th marks the 1st anniversary of my son’s (Donivin) passing. My family misses him. As a mother, I think of him daily wherever I go. A trigger of memories i.e. a glimpse of moments of the good, the sad and the challenging ones- feeling the emotion of embracing the memo’s, grief and the continues of healing forward.

Below is a picture of my son Donivin. It was taken by my friend and photographer Tatiana Roesli Komashko on Remembrance Day at our home, year 2017, just months before he died on March 11th 2018. One of those picture moment when he was smiling and enjoying the company of friends during dinner. It was one of the happy moments he joined us for dinner, as he didn’t really like to be surrounded with so many people. But he embraced it somehow.

HOW AM I FEELING? I feel I have a very mixed feeling and it explains in the poem I’ll be sharing with you below in the conclusion. Thus, I’m breathing within the moment of today. This 1st year anniversary marks the memory of the short life he had on earth with us and it also marks his 1st year being in heavenly places. Oh, how I miss you my son!

Today, I decided to write to help others who are going through the process of healing as well, like I am today, to find constructive ways by acknowledging and honouring their loved one’s death and on how to cope, reframe their holidays, or anniversary, or birthday.

Sometimes there are no words to express our emotions that would remind us of our loved ones in heaven during every single holidays, birthday’s, anniversary… But in divine time, as we heal forward, the pattern of words would start to appear as simple as feeling the motion of EMBRACING the moment of the now, ACKNOWLEDGING the memories they have had with you and the life they’ve had known, and LOVE unconditionally without judgement. Just breathe all these three components (Embrace, Acknowledge, and Love) as you go through the anniversary of your loved one’s death.

IDEAS on HOW to DEAL with Anniversary of a Loved One’s Death:

Here are some simple list I have compiled for you to get started on how to honour the anniversary of a loved one’s death:

1. Look at old photos and make a keepsake box of things that would remind you of your loved one. Embrace the feeling and emotions it brings. It is okay to cry and express the full emotions as it is part of healing forward. Keep the memory alive.
2. Make a private ritual ceremony in your own home i.e. Light a candle in honour of your loved ones and say a prayer with a photo of him/her. (I have my own table set specifically just for my late son’s “earth life memory” in my own home. Picture shared below)
3. Donate a time to volunteer that would give honour to the memory that close to your loved one’s heart. (As for me and as a mother, I volunteer some of my time to be part of the Branch Committee at the 100 Admiral Mainguy Royal Canadian Sea Cadet Corp in Maple Bay Vancouver Island BC, where my late son Donivin used to go as a Master Seaman/Cadet during his short time on earth.)
4. Search and focus your mind and heart for a meaningful gratitude and joy every day
5. Take flowers and visit the memorial site; or visit their favourite places to go (go visit memory lane as you heal forward)
6. Plant a tree that would remind you of your loved one. (My lovely neighbor gave me a tree and I planted it on a bigger pot and it is called the Bluebird Hydrangea)
7. Finish the project that your loved ones always wanted to do with you (I finished the project last year after my son died and it was the outdoor game of chess we both wanted to do together. The result of that project it created a space for others to celebrate the memory of my son while playing the game of chess. Picture below).
8. Acknowledge, honour and celebrate the strengths that you and your family have cultivated when you lost your loved one and give thanks to God about discovering the meaning of the message that it entails.
9. Write a journal or a blog about your loved one. This way it helps release the energy flow of healing within you and through you. It also give others encouragement and permission to not give up while they grieve too.
10. Keep sharing the story of your loved ones and the message of strength that you have cultivated from the experience that you never thought you could be and do. You can either share it in a form of a blog, writing a book about it, or share a testimony at a workshop or church. This is a healthy way to heal when you learn to honour and talk about the life that he/she have known and the lessons it entails.

If you have other ideas that you would like to share here, please do comment below. I’d like to hear what you have cultivated to heal forward that others might learn from.

Thank you family, friends and acquaintances for your notes of kindness and love support you have shown our family and I all thru the whole process- the time of healing forward from a loss of a loved one.

We also thank God for the continuous provision of comfort, courage, and love thru spiritually and emotionally as we heal forward together as family. We are also praying for and with others who are grieving. May you find the inner peace that you are looking for as you grieve and heal one day at a time too. We are here for you as well. Stay connected!

We are all here to learn about the school of life. Life and death is part of life and it’s part of the journey that each one of us will go through. The moment we learn to acknowledge and accept the “as is-ness” in life, the moment we’ll find inner peace and the meaning of life thru the birth process of life and death period.

To conclude: I’d like to share with you how I truly feel with this “mixed feeling” thru a poem from L.R. Knost below:

LIFE IS AMAZING AND THEN IT’S AWFUL…

…And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful, it’s ordinary and mundane and routine.

Breathe in the amazing, Hold on through the awful, and relax. And exhale during the ordinary.

That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life.

And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

~ L.R. Knost

~Namaste and God bless each one!

With love, GRACE KOSTAMO and family